Des de Moor
Lyrics

MP3 available

Back in 1981 I worked for a few days as a hotel kitchen porter: it was one of the worst jobs I'd ever done but I got a poem out of it. Then in 1994 I re-read the poem: the one line 'Choose a plump ripe avocado' stuck in my head and soon acquired a tune. By the end of 1994 it had become a song, and was premiered at the first Pirate Jenny's in December. It's been an all-too-regular mainstay ever since, but it always goes down splendidly. Writing a song so 'naturally' always makes me suspicious that I've unconsciously ripped off the tune from somewhere else, but so far no-one has spotted an obvious source.

So the sous chef woke the waiter
And down they piled,
One overdue chef, one later waiter,
One maître riled.
Bacon and eggs grease
The businessman's lips
So beg, fleece
And crawl for the tips,
Never cease: time
For lunchtime starters
To finish alone
From recipes carved in stone.

Choose a plump, ripe avocado
Just like on your first exam
At a college back in Glasgow.
Stop the memories if you can.
Take that plump, ripe avocado,
Slice it with the sharpest knife,
Smile and summon your bravado:
It's a cold, raw kind of life.

So the sous chef passed the waiter
A plat de jour,
Hoped for a new chef, hoped the waiter
Would wait till four,
Worked on while sagging
Chops fat and mean,
Gagging
On fake French cuisine
Brought a nagging
Need to flee
From the greasy tiled floors
And padlocks on cellar doors.

Choose a plump, ripe avocado
For a luscious lettuce base.
Though it's soft as Brigitte Bardot
Yet it wears a tough old face.
Now you've braved the bastinado
Of frustration and regret
Drown that plump, ripe avocado
With a sour old vinaigrette.

Choose a plump, ripe avocado
As the memories rebound
On this ducking desperado,
Wages low, Live In All Found.
As you think back home to Glasgow
(Though you've not been there for years),
Choose a plump, ripe avocado,
Halve it, stone and fill with tears.